How to rekindle your love life: schedule time for sex and talk to your partner about their needs and your own, sexologist advises
- Working too much can strain our health, intimacy, and personal relationships, says Mary Foxworth; feeling relaxed and wanted are key to engaging sexually
- The sexologist recommends scheduling time for intimacy, understanding hormonal imbalances can affect libido, and never thinking you’re too old for sex
How’s your sex life?
Great? Fading? Non-existent?
When I posed this question to friends, I got a different answer from everyone I asked. The overall message was that, in most cases, their sex life was not as good as they’d like it to be. And they all seemed a little defensive about that.
They need not have been. Many people’s sex lives are less exciting/frequent/satisfying than they’d like them to be. And fluctuations in desire are entirely normal.
There are many reasons for this, says Hong Kong-based sexologist Mary Foxworth. Life gets in the way, mainly.
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“We live in a fast-paced and commercial city, which rewards people for that hard work, but it often comes at the detriment of the quality of our health, intimacy and personal relationships,” Foxworth says.
She knows about the fast-paced lifestyle: Foxworth has degrees in law and political science, and a master of social science in criminology degree; she worked in corporate banking in Hong Kong for six years, and for The United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime in Bangkok in its criminal justice team.
It’s not only work at a desk or in the office; just being on our phones can dampen the mood. You need to feel relaxed to engage sexually, and you need to feel wanted.
You’re not going to feel either if you’re checking emails or if your partner is checking theirs. Phones are bad at bedtime for lots of reasons. Killing the mood for sex is just one more.
Part of the problem, says Foxworth – who describes a sexologist as someone who “contributes to understanding human sexuality” – is that we aren’t encouraged to prioritise our relaxation and pleasure.
“This is vital to connecting to your body, sexuality and partner,” she says. Additionally, she says, many of us do not understand the hormonal imbalances that can cause decreased libido.
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Much as we like the idea of a great sex life, many of us put little effort into making time for it. If we make time for work, a social life, friends and kids, shouldn’t we be timetabling sex into our lives as well?
“We are very happy with our shared intimacy,” she says. “We stay connected through physical touch, making time for and giving one another massages” – without, she adds, an expectation of reciprocity or sex, simply because it makes the other person feel good. Many experts advocate such non-sexual intimacy to nourish intimacy.
She frequently recommends that people schedule time for intimacy and pleasure.
“This can be particularly helpful for parents who need to organise carers for their children.”
I hear her. Who doesn’t know the sound of small people interrupting an intimate moment with their partner? That crash on the door at precisely the wrong moment? The wail from downstairs?
But putting a sex date in the diary? Doesn’t that take all the great-sex spontaneity out of it?
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Sure, says Foxworth, scheduling time for intimacy can sound a bit too organised.
“But when people schedule time for intimacy, it shows that intimacy is a priority. Also, it can help to create anticipation of something wonderful, new, or exciting to try.”
Just as flagging sex drives are common, it is normal for one partner to want more sex. Don’t believe the stereotypes – that men want sex all the time and women need to be seduced. Everybody’s appetites are different.
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Be bold and talk to your partner about what they want, what they like. And tell them what you like, too, Foxworth says. After all, you sleep with this person, you must be able to talk to them, whether in a private space or a therapy session.
This is important, because if either of you are fretting about less sex, chances are you’ll imagine reasons for this: he/she doesn’t love or fancy me any more.
If your partner’s doing something that really is putting you off having sex with them – an irritating habit, say – then that is even more reason to talk, advises Foxworth. But use sensitivity and kindness.
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“Many people have not received education around how to care for their bodies,” she says. If that is the only issue that is putting a damper on things in the bedroom, it is easily resolved – with sensitivity and with kindness. You could even have a shower together.
Also, when it comes to sex, many mature adults may think of themselves as being “too old”.
“It’s a gross injustice,” says Foxworth, “that we feel we need to accept decreased libido, intimacy, and pleasure as we age. We absolutely do not!”
