Asking for a Friend: Help! My friend spreads rumours about me. How can I end our friendship?
- Each week, we respond to a question from our readers and give advice and resources they can turn to
- This week we help a student who wants to drop a dishonest pal without destroying their entire group of friends
Remember that if a friend is dishonest, it’s a reflection on them, not you. Photo: ShutterstockNeed an answer to a personal question that you’ve never mustered the courage to ask? We’ve been there. Whether it is about school, family issues or social life, share your thoughts with us. If you have a question you’d like answered (about anything at all), please fill out this Google Form. Don’t worry – you will remain anonymous!
Dear Friend,
I really want to drop one of my best friends, but doing so would destroy my entire friend group. She makes up rumours about me, and I’m exhausted from being her friend. What should I do?
Sincerely, Confused
I’ve been betrayed by friends before. How can I learn to trust again?
Dear Confused,
It’s so frustrating to find out that a friend has been gossiping about you behind your back. This can be very painful and cause you to doubt yourself and your other friendships. However, please remember that your friend’s actions are not a reflection of you; they only represent who this person is. We also hope that the rest of your friends are sticking up for you against these baseless rumours. Here are a few more suggestions we hope can help:
Give yourself some space
Usually we would suggest sitting down with your friend and having a one-on-one conversation about your feelings, but it sounds like she would not take this well. We know you are concerned about ruining things with your other friends, so you’ll need to tread carefully. Send her a simple message thanking her for her friendship, explaining that you realised you two have grown apart. Say that while you do not want to maintain a relationship with her any more, you still wish her the best and will be nothing but polite when you see her. If any of your other friends ask what happened, you can give them the same line.
A person who spreads rumours about others thrives on drama, and it’s best not to give them any ammunition. Be polite but firm in your final message to her, and if you see her in the future, you can try the “grey rock” technique by providing bland, uninteresting answers to her questions until she eventually gets bored and stops.
What to do if your friends have replaced you with someone else
Take care of yourself emotionally
You said this relationship has been exhausting for you, and cutting out a former friend is never easy. Make sure you’re taking care of your mental health. Accept any uncomfortable feelings that may pop up, and remind yourself that all relationships are about personal growth; while you might feel bad now, you have made an effort to pursue healthier friendships in the future.
Reach out to your other friends and focus on building relationships with positive people who make you feel valued and appreciated. You could also try making friends outside your existing friend group so you don’t always run the risk of seeing her.
Hope that helps, Friend of a Friend
The question was answered by clinical psychologists from the Department of Health under Shall We Talk, a mental health initiative launched with the Advisory Committee on Mental Health.