Asking for a Friend: Help! My best friend has a different best friend – what should I do?
- Each week, we respond to a question from our readers and give advice and resources they can turn to
- This week, we help a student feeling insecure that their bestie has another bestie
It’s normal for your friends to have other pals, and it’s normal to be jealous about it too! Photo: ShutterstockNeed an answer to a personal question that you’ve never mustered the courage to ask? We’ve been there. Whether it is about school, family issues or social life, share your thoughts with us. If you have a question you’d like answered (about anything at all), please fill out this Google Form. Don’t worry – you will remain anonymous!
Dear Friend,
I have a friend I am very close with. To be honest, I treat her like my best friend. But recently, I found there is actually another girl she calls her best friend. I feel like I’ve wasted the effort I’ve put into this friendship. How do I fix it or make myself feel better?
Signed, Not the Best
I get jealous when my friend hangs out with their other friends. What should I do?
Dear Not the Best,
It sounds like you are afraid your friend does not value you as much as you do her or that she is replacing you. It can be upsetting to realise that you may not be as close to someone as you thought. However, it doesn’t mean your friend doesn’t care about you, and it doesn’t have to be the end of your friendship.
Your friend is entitled to have other friends and to spend time with whomever they choose, and it’s important to respect this. It is common for people to have more than one close friend, and she’s not befriending people for any reason that has to do with you. Your friend cares about you and wants to spend time with you, so avoid being clingy or demanding all her time; this will make her feel smothered and push her away.
Don’t overlook or disregard the moments the two of you have. The memories you have made will last a lifetime. You’ve also learned a lot from your friendship, such as how to support someone and be a good listener.
Have you spoken to your friend about how you feel? Sincere and open communication can strengthen bonds between people. You can try reaching out to her and telling her how you feel – without blaming her or making it sound like she’s doing anything wrong.
Don’t stop investing in this friendship! Think of a few ways the two of you could spend quality time together. Play your favourite game or sport, or plan a trip to the cool new cafe in your neighbourhood. This could also give you two a chance to chat and catch up.
Help! I’m always worried and jealous – what can I do to get over these negative feelings?
Do you already know your best friend’s other friend? You could suggest the three of you hang out together. Your bestie would be happy to see two of her closest friends getting along and would respect your effort to get to know their other friend. Plus, this new person could end up becoming your friend, too!
You can also strengthen your other friendships and spend more time with your other pals since you may not feel so worried about this friend if you have several people you like and enjoy hanging out with.
It’s normal to get different things from different friendships. Remember that even though your best friend calls someone else their bestie, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t value you.
Hope that helps, Friend of a Friend
The question was answered by clinical psychologists from the Department of Health under Shall We Talk, a mental health initiative launched with the Advisory Committee on Mental Health.