At Chinese New Year and on our birthdays, she cooked for everyone and we all helped out making the pastry and Chinese snacks.

Playing with boys

My mum’s eldest brother did well academically and was the first in the family to go to university. He studied at Chinese University of Hong Kong and then did a master’s in Canada and went to the United States to do his PhD.

When my grandma passed away, the duties as head of the family passed to my eldest aunt. In a Chinese family, if you don’t follow or aren’t well behaved, then you aren’t loved. I wanted to challenge things, but I followed because I didn’t want to upset my mum.

I wasn’t a girlie-girl. In primary school, I didn’t have close friends or feel that I belonged. I shared a room with my sister, she was my best friend. I had a good group of friends – boys and girls – at high school, TWGHs Wong Fut Nam College.

I always wore my hair short and found it easier to play with the boys; they were more straightforward.

Green light

My US uncle got my grandmother a green card, even though she didn’t plan to move there. Once she got it, she applied for the whole family.

Two of my cousins, who were a couple of years older than me, went to stay with my uncle in New Jersey when they were 16. They went to the local community college. As they had a green card, they didn’t need to pay a lot for the tuition.

When I was 16, I joined them. By then they had moved into their own apartment and I stayed with them.

Melting pot

The students at Middlesex Community College, in Edison, came from Mexico, Taiwan, China, Korea, Japan, Pakistan and India. And there were also some white kids.

It was the first time I had close interaction with people from different countries and I learned a lot about other cultures.

I got a part-time job marking multiple-choice papers that paid US$7.25 an hour and later switched to work at the college childcare centre, which paid US$8 an hour.

For his pleasure

On my first day at college, I spotted a good-looking Chinese boy. I was introduced to Tommy in the cafeteria and we began dating. His ideal girlfriend was skinny with big boobs and long hair. I grew my hair long and tried to tailor myself to his ideal.

Sex was a matter of being penetrated by him for five minutes. There was no pleasure for me. I didn’t feel that my body belonged to me, it felt like a vehicle for his pleasure.

Learning curves

After two years, my sister started at the community college. My mum moved to the US with her and we lived together in New Jersey. I applied to the University of the Arts in Philadelphia.

Four years into the relationship with Tommy, I tried to break up with him. I wanted to explore other possibilities. That summer he kept telling me he loved me, and we got back together.

My mum was disappointed; she knew he wasn’t the right person for me. I kept thinking he would change, or I could change him.

I didn’t know my boundaries – not just physically but also emotionally. I didn’t know that I wasn’t just there to make him happy, that I am also my own person.

I learned so much from that relationship about what not to do.

Getting comfortable

I learned painting and illustration at college and then majored in animation. For a couple of summers, I interned with an animator called Signe Baumane. She was the first feminist I ever met and helped me become the woman I am.

I was the colourist for her short animations about her sexuality, marriage and divorce, called Teat Beat of Sex. She was so comfortable in her own skin.

It was the first time I realised that sex could be different from what I was having. She made me realise that my body was mine, it wasn’t about fitting into an ideal.

How to say no

Five years into the relationship with Tommy, things got worse. I started trying to establish boundaries, based on what I’d learned from Signe Baumane, but I didn’t know how to do it well.

When I stayed over at his place, if I didn’t want to be physical with him, I locked him out of his room, and he had to sleep on the sofa. I didn’t know how to say no.

He didn’t take it well. A few times he kicked me out of his place and threw my things out after me.

My Picco

I got an internship at a studio in New York that did children’s animation and after I graduated, in 2009, they hired me as an animator. Nine months into the job, the impact of the financial crisis meant the studio had to lay off staff and there wasn’t the financing for our show. I found myself out of a job.

It was about this time that my eldest cousin got married. I went back to Hong Kong for his wedding and since I didn’t have to rush back for a job, I decided to stay a few months.

I was thinking of breaking up with Tommy, but didn’t know how to end a seven-year relationship. At the wedding, I met my Picco, my cousin’s best friend from high school.

He was one of the groomsmen and I was a bridesmaid. We added each other on Facebook and became friends.

Don’t put a ring on it

I sensed that Tommy was preparing to propose. When we were on the phone, I asked him if he’d bought a ring. He said, “How did you know?”

All I could think of was all the problems that we had and how they wouldn’t get solved if we got married. I said I’d call him back but didn’t call for two weeks.

Picco was also in a seven-year relationship. His girlfriend wanted to get married, but he wasn’t sure. We were facing a similar problem and as we talked more about it, we became closer and then fell in love.

We decided not to have a physical connection until we’d separated from our partners.

Mind-blowing experience

Tommy didn’t take the break-up well and tried to persuade me to go back to him. Picco broke up with his girlfriend and we started a relationship in Hong Kong. I told him what my sex life had been like and he shared about his.

We agreed that if we wanted a long-term relationship, the sexual side was something we needed to learn about. The day after that conversation, he bought me a bullet vibrator and said to go home and explore.

I’d never masturbated. Ever since I was a girl, my mother told me to never touch myself “down there”. There had been no sex education at school and my girlfriends didn’t talk about it.

I was staying at my parents’ place, so I waited until everyone was asleep before I opened the box. That night I had my first orgasm; it was mind-blowing.

I’d been disgusted with sex for so long and couldn’t believe my body was capable of that. That orgasm empowered me to understand that my body belongs to me and gave me autonomy.

I told Picco, “We need to tell people about this.” It became my life purpose.

Creepy vibes

Picco and I decided to sell sex toys. We would educate our customers through the products and with the money we made offer sex education.

I researched local sex-toy shops. They were dimly lit places with a creepy vibe and an old uncle who didn’t answer questions; he was just the cashier.

Picco and I went to pleasure shops in Europe to see what people were doing there. He worked in IT, so I designed the Sally’s Toy website and he did the programming.

Empire building

In 2012, Picco and I got married and we opened our first store, in Central. Our customers were very open-minded and sure of what they wanted.

After a year, I realised we weren’t serving the customers I wanted to serve: the people who weren’t educated about sex and hadn’t explored their body yet. So, in 2013, we opened a store in Tsuen Wan, which is super local.

People dropped their kids off for tutoring in the same building and then came to our store. Then we opened in Causeway Bay in 2016 and in Tsim Sha Tsui in 2018.

Intimacy expert

In 2018, I got certified as a sexuality educator and am invited as a guest lecturer on university programmes about sex and intimacy and sometimes in high schools. I partner with NGOs working in the anti-sexual violence and sexual health space.

I’ve always been driven by a purpose and that has evolved with my life. When I started the business, it was about me finding pleasure and I wanted to help others find their pleasure.

In 2016, I had my first daughter and went through post-partum depression. Our second daughter was born in 2021. After giving birth my body changed and it was about finding my sexiness again.

I lost my aunt during the pandemic. Whatever resonates with me becomes my purpose and I do it through this space. From finding pleasure, it became about body acceptance, to talking about mental health and self-love and finding time for yourself.

Touching people

Our customers have grown up with us and learned to find pleasure on their own terms, but there are also people who we have not reached.

There has been a change in the culture towards sex and I feel we have contributed towards that by bringing sex positivity, pleasure positivity and body acceptance to Hong Kong. But there are still people who come to the store and ask questions that I answered 13 years ago.

During the pandemic, so many of us were in our own bubble. Now I am focused on connecting people. I want to create a community where people can find support and feel that they belong.