How children pick up on parents’ anxiety and anger and why we should be mindful of how we act

When she is having a tough day or is not in the best mood, Odette Umali tries to be mindful about how she comes across to her two children. The founder of Gordon Parenting, an education programme for parents in Hong Kong, believes that when parents are stressed out or dealing with emotional issues such as anxiety, anger or depression, they must be extra careful about what they say and how they act at home, so as not to affect their kids.

“Children pick up on their parents’ moods more easily than you might think,” says Umali, who has a 20-year-old daughter and a 15-year-old son. “When kids see that their parents are stressed, tired, angry, upset or irritated, they can’t help but experience that negative energy as well.

“If it happens often enough, this negativity may affect the children’s emotional and cognitive development. In time, parents may find that their kids can’t relate to them or no longer want to spend time with them. They may stop sharing their problems with them or find it hard to express themselves verbally at home.”

Umali is not wrong. According to Dr Florence Huang, a Hong Kong-based psychologist, children – younger ones, in particular – see their parents as role models and tend to imitate their behaviour. When parents express negative emotions, their kids may internalise this behaviour, with or without realising it.

“Children may experience these negative emotions as background anger,” Huang says. “Of course, depending on the child’s age and developmental level, he or she would internalise the experience differently. Toddlers and small children may react by showing anger or distress themselves, while older, schoolkids may withdraw emotionally or be less likely to react when confronted with negative emotions.