The risks of dating in Iran and how it’s done, in coffee shops, on apps or flirting by car

Modern dating, already fraught with emotional ups and downs, can feel even more difficult when a person is under pressure to find “the one”. In the religiously conservative Islamic Republic of Iran, finding Mr or Miss Right can be especially tough. Those seeking love often have to break the rules and take risks. Sahar, 35, remembers a time when women were afraid of everything, from the country’s morality police – who impose Islamic dress codes and public conduct – to their own families. “At some point, something changed,” she says. Parents stood up to the police and asked them: “What right do you have to arrest our child? OK, she was travelling with a boy – so what?” Sahar says if you want to get to know someone in Iran, you need more than just courage – you need a plan. In the capital city, Tehran, some take part in dor dor, which is the practice of driving around to get a phone number or flirt – think car windows rolled down during a traffic jam, eye contact and a quick exchange of notes or phone numbers before speeding off. The social consensus has always been that the man has to be better off financially. But women now have careers, own their own cars, can rent their own flats – and yet there is still this expectation. Sahar, 35, a career woman Others meet in trendy cafes, which function as places to exchange contact details. Most dating apps are banned, but circumventing internet blocks is part of everyday life for many. “When I tried Tinder and Bumble, I just thought: ‘Disaster!’ These apps aren’t for dating at all, they’re just for sex,” says Sahar. Sahar, who has made a career as a marketing manager, says finding love is a challenge. “Everything has become so superficial,” she says. At the same time, although she is primarily looking for a real connection, many prioritise financial security when dating. “The social consensus has always been that the man has to be better off financially,” says Sahar. “But women now have careers, own their own cars, can rent their own flats – and yet there is still this expectation. “Despite their success, many women are still looking for a partner who is wealthier than they are.” This makes dating complicated, she says. Amir, 20, has no major problems with dating. He met his girlfriend on a language course, without the use of dor dor or apps. “I know that a lot of my friends do it, but I think it’s a bit cheap,” he says. His generation, he believes, is freer than it was a few years ago. “At university, nobody cares if couples hold hands any more.” Still, social differences remain in society as a whole: “If you’re travelling in an expensive car, the police ignore you.” Relationships in Iran used to be clear-cut: if you wanted to live together, you had to get married. The man’s family visited the woman’s, tea was drunk and expectations were discussed. Love was not a necessity – what mattered was that the families harmonised. Today, more couples are living in a “white marriage” – a partnership without a marriage licence, something that is officially forbidden but has long been commonplace in big cities. “My mum says: ‘It’s like that everywhere in the world today,’” says Sahar. Her father, on the other hand, thinks it is a disaster. Statistics – of which there are few on the subject – confirm the trend. In Tehran, every second marriage ends in divorce. It would seem that changing lifestyles, as well as financial and social expectations, play a role in this – for example, being unable to afford the high costs and social obligations of a traditional wedding. As a result, a “white marriage” is increasingly seen as an acceptable alternative. However, women are often still at a disadvantage, as they have neither social security nor legal rights in the event of a separation. The country’s declining birth rate and social upheavals are also a concern for the government. In 2021, the government under then-Iranian president Ebrahim Raisi passed a law aimed at encouraging young Iranians to marry earlier and have more children. Low-interest loans for newlyweds, longer maternity leave, tax breaks for families, even a free plot of land from the third child onwards were all on offer. In 2021, Iranian women had just 1.7 children on average – lower than in any other country in West Asia. The government responded with several bans – vasectomies, also called male sterilisation, are no longer permitted and abortions, which were barely legal, have been made even more difficult to obtain. Hamdam, a state-sanctioned dating app unveiled in 2021, advertises marriage according to Islamic standards. Success has yet to materialise – Iran’s society is caught between tradition and modernity, and it is a flux that is having a profound impact on young people’s love lives. “Many no longer simply accept the rigid and inflexible state laws and are increasingly making independent decisions about their lives,” says a psychologist from Tehran. She wishes to remain anonymous, but her words are clear: the country’s social upheaval is changing how relationships are formed and lived. This change gained pace following an eruption of nationwide protests after Mahsa Amini, a 22-year-old Kurdish-Iranian woman, died in hospital in September 2022 after being detained by Iranian morality police for reportedly improperly wearing her headscarf. “On a social level – not a political one – people have become more open and are granting women more freedom,” the psychologist says. Conflicts between young people and their traditional families have decreased noticeably. “I’m not saying that these problems no longer exist, but their impact has diminished – even in rural areas.” However, while cultural constraints are decreasing, insecurity is growing. “In a country where the threat of war and uncertainty constantly hovers over the future of young people, many live in a state of permanent fear,” she says. A lack of prospects, rising rents, financial dependence on the family – for many, the dream of a shared flat or even a family of their own remains out of reach. As a result, more relationships are fleeting, non-binding and fragmented. “Many relationships end up being limited to short-term encounters,” she says. Sahar also feels this when planning her future. “You lose the desire and confidence to start a family.” She pauses for a moment. “They say that the Asian cheetah is also threatened with extinction because it doesn’t reproduce under poor environmental conditions. And that’s exactly how it feels for us – like it’s not the right time to build a new life.”

The risks of dating in Iran and how it’s done, in coffee shops, on apps or flirting by car

In Iran, cultural shifts and societal pressures create challenges for young people eager to find a partner. To succeed they must break rules