Why bad sex can ruin a good relationship and what to do about it
- Sexual incompatibility means a couple cannot be truly close on many levels, even for partners who adore and love each other
- Problems such as different sex drives and sexual preferences can be easily fixed, but deeper issues may require professional help
A couple who is sexually incompatible can be likened to oil and water in the same container: they may seem very close, but they can never truly bond.
No matter what sceptics may have you believe, sex is essential in any committed relationship for many reasons. Maintaining good verbal communication and a healthy level of sexual activity are vital for any relationship to grow.
Unfortunately, some couples find it difficult to express or enjoy themselves in the bedroom because they cannot click with their partner in bed. Even partners who adore and love each other can be a mismatch in the bedroom.
Sexual incompatibility can be caused by a number of things. It could be due to different sexual preferences, which one partner may find distasteful and could turn them off. Other reasons include physical awkwardness, different libido levels, and different paces or rhythms.
Maybe you avoid sex with your partner because you find their body a turn-off or, the other way around, because you are embarrassed by yours.
I know a couple who allow their two young sons, seven and four years old, to sleep in the same bed with them. This co-sleeping arrangement seems to be an excuse to keep sex out of their marriage. They even do this when they go on holidays.
This couple is not only incompatible in the bedroom; they are also critical of each other when they interact in public. This reflects their anger and resentment towards each other. The reason behind those emotions is simple: sex sweetens up a relationship as our brains release “feel good” chemicals to help reduce irritability.
You can always notice someone who has had a good “work out” with their partner over the weekend. They return to work with a distinct kind of happy “glow” because of the physical joy and emotional happiness they feel inside.
Sexual compatibility is imperative because it means sexual fulfilment for two people in a supportive relationship and hence brings pleasure. It is a one-of-a-kind intimate expression and brings many other physical and emotional benefits.
To make a relationship work and last, you need to be understanding and flexible. Your sex life can be improved if both you and your partner are willing to put in the effort. To a certain extent, some kinds of sexual incompatibility – such as different sex drives and sexual preferences – can be fixed.
You can make incremental changes, starting with small adjustments to frequency and preferences so that you can compromise and meet somewhere that is acceptable to both.
You can try to cultivate a bedroom personality through which you can be totally honest about your feelings and talk through problems, as well as likes and dislikes. Once you lay everything bare you can start to make changes together, slowly but surely, by adapting and adjusting through practise to build your sexual repertoire with your partner.
As with physical awkwardness, you might have to find new ways to connect with each other again to rebuild closeness and reignite the spark. As a warm up, you can start by having erotic talk first if you feel embarrassed about being naked and raunchy in bed.
If you feel put off by your partner in the bedroom, you have to be honest with yourself. Ask why you have this feeling now that you did not have before. Is it because they have let themselves go physically and become less attractive?
Try to remember the feelings you had when you first met and what truly turned you on before. Then come up with a list of these characteristics for each other to recreate those exciting sexy moments that turn you both on.
If you are already in a committed partnership and have sexual compatibility issues – no matter how minor – then deal with them. Do not let them fester and evolve
More importantly, you also need to find out whether it is just their appearance you are unhappy about, or whether you are disgusted by your partner due to other more fundamental reasons. If it is the latter, it can be a huge red flag for the relationship. This probably means you need to seek professional counselling or therapy, or bite the bullet and speak openly and honestly to address and resolve your problems.
Getting physical and intimate is not easy for everybody; some people can be very conservative while others are more adventurous. But you can generally sense how free a person is with their body when you first become intimate. They cannot really fake it – not for too long, anyway. So you have to be really honest with yourself about whether the person is sexually compatible with you at the very beginning.
If you are already in a committed partnership and have sexual compatibility issues – no matter how minor – then deal with them. Do not let them fester and evolve into deep-seated anger and resentment.
Couples who ignore each other’s needs and wants between the sheets are not truly close on many levels. Sexual intimacy is also a kind of emotional closeness and connection. It gives you a sense of comfort in knowing each other deeply and feeling secure that you are each other’s priority in life.
Find out what the role of sex is in your relationship, and the pace at which it should occur, so that you can make it work for both of you. It will allow you to experiment and discover what makes you truly happy – in and out of the bedroom.
Luisa Tam is a senior editor at the Post
