Intimate relationships and parenthood: how to make time for each other and baby, and why your sex life may take time to spark afresh

Relationships need proper maintenance and a new baby can put them under strain – but with teamwork you can overcome that and grow closer together than ever
Take the time to care for yourself, stay connected with friends, communicate openly with your partner – and if you are not ready, build towards having sex again

Luisa Tam

Published: 2:30am, 27 Sep 2020

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Different people respond to parenthood in different ways.

Some couples worry that it spells the end of romance and that it could have a negative effect on their sex life, whether because of a loss of free time or depleted energy levels.

But there are others who embrace the change, as they see it as a first step to building an even stronger partnership – and, ultimately, a loving family unit.

Parenthood can dramatically change a relationship, because the free time you may have had will be diverted mostly to an infant who needs to be cared for around the clock.

Parenthood can dramatically change a relationship. Photo: Shutterstock

Still, it’s not necessarily all bad – so as long as both of you are prepared to work together as a team.

If you can both work through fatigue, the lack of time together, sexual dissatisfaction, difficulty incorporating new roles, and the economic strain and are still able to put your relationship first and remain supportive of each other, then you’ve managed to grab parenthood by the horns.

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In the long run, it means you have built a strong foundation to help you weather the ups and downs of not just parenthood but also your partnership.

Relationships need proper maintenance and it’s especially important to have a solid base in place after having a baby. Unfortunately, we sometimes forget to maintain our relationships during seasons of change.

New mothers often become consumed by their new role after a baby is born, and they need to find a way to maintain their other relationships. More often than not, a new baby sidelines the father.

Good communication is necessary to minimise conflict when you have a baby. Photo: Shutterstock

Dr Kristin Zeising, a clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist, explains why some relationships change or even fail after a baby has arrived.

“Couples may have unrealistic expectations and be overwhelmed when a new child arrives. It may be a time of great joy and celebration for couples but can also be a time of great adjustment.

“An infant requires round-the-clock care, and this will exert a tremendous psychological and physical demand on their parents. Some couples adapt with relative ease, while others find life with a baby quite stressful. Many couples in the post-partum period struggle to maintain relationship satisfaction.”

If you tend to get stressed and negative, shift your attention, and practise gratitude and think of three things you are grateful for, no matter how small

Kristin Zeising, a clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist

She adds that the pure exhaustion can cause partners to take their stress out on each other, which may be a shift in their dynamic that catches them off guard.

In dealing with the baby blues, Zeising says: “Have compassion towards yourself. Recognise that you are going through a life-changing experience and not expected to be perfect. You have a lot to learn and allow yourself the grace to do so.”

It is also important to stay connected with friends and other mothers to have a support system. “Have someone you trust watch the baby for an hour, so you can grab a quick lunch with a friend. Join a group of other mums so you can share experiences and you will not feel alone.”

You have built a strong foundation to help you weather the ups and downs of not just parenthood but also your partnership. Image: Marcelo Duhalde

Self-care should be a definite priority, she adds. “Take time to nurture yourself. Enlist family members, helpers, close friends to step in, even for a half-hour, so you can tend to yourself.

“If you tend to get stressed and negative, shift your attention, and practise gratitude and think of three things you are grateful for, no matter how small. Take time out for this routine every night to help keep your perspective positive.”

Fathers can get baby blues too, especially if they have a history of depression and anxiety. “Men often stay silent about their feelings. However, this can cause more depression, anxiety, or stress. Reaching out to a trusted friend who’s been there or perhaps a professional can help. “Just like with mum, dads need social support as well. This will help buffer them from the challenges associated with parenting.”

Be sure to make time for check-ins about the two of you, says Zeising. Photo: Shutterstock

Good communication is also necessary to minimise conflict and promote understanding during this life-changing juncture, she points out.

“Take the team approach. You are in this together, so you need to decide ahead of time who gets up with baby, who deals with doctor appointments, etc. The more you can be proactive about the upcoming demands, the less you will argue about who will deal with them in the moment.

“Be sure to make time for check-ins about the two of you and not just the business of parenting. Tend to each other’s emotional needs to keep your foundation solid. Acts of kindness, support, and expressions of gratitude will go a long way in helping your partner feel supported and loved. Make sure you express them regularly to keep your connection strong.”

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Last but not least, having a new baby doesn’t mean the end of your sex life.

“For new mums, don’t wait for sexual desire to arise on its own because it may not. Allow yourself to engage in sexual touch and the feelings of desire may follow.

“Ask yourself what you need to feel open for desire. How can you invite yourself to feel desire? Be curious about yourself. All things are possible, what do you want to create? Remember that you are in a unique time in your life and be patient with yourself and your partner.”

Dr Kristin Zeising is a clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist.

She warns that during the early stages of motherhood a woman may not feel comfortable having intercourse because of medical reasons, fatigue or hormonal issues.

However, it’s important to be flexible and open to these changes in the sexual dynamics.

For example, she says if intercourse seems too energetic during early pregnancy, then couples could enjoy sexual behaviours “above the waist” or engage in “outercourse”. Touching, fondling, and caressing the body can all be pleasurable without the pressure of the potential discomfort of intercourse.

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“Be open with what you consider sex. Your body may not feel quite the same after having a baby. Engaging in cuddling, caressing, and lying naked together.

“Expand what you consider ‘intimacy’. Bathing one another or exchanging massages can help you feel close and keep the relationship feeling special or explore one another with no outcome goal, other than to explore pleasure, builds sexual repertoire and results in much more experience of pleasure,” Zeising says.

Luisa Tam is a correspondent at the Post

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